Confessions of a (Tiger) sex addict?…helping out CNN and the rest of the media
March 9th, 2010
The media love stories like Tiger Woods and his lady friends. Sex sells, it always has. Unfortunately, the media rarely care whether they are portraying an issue accurately, it is more about soundbites and sales. I know, because I used to get interviewed quite often for addiction-related stories when I worked for a large university teaching hospital. My 20 minute interviews would get slashed to 10 second clips on the nightly news. I have come to realize that it is not their fault, it is the way of news in our soundbite culture. But topics like addiction and what has happened with Tiger deserve more than soundbites. Addiction is an incredibly complex problem with no simple answers. It seems that despite this fact, the media have attempted to reduce Tiger’s problems to a diagnosis of sex addiction. In the clip below they interview a sex addict who provides evidence that sex clearly is an addiction, and that his experiences are similar to Tigers, check it out (and then keep reading):
Here is my own commentary about sex addiction and Tiger’s problems:
- Far too much time is spent debating whether specific behaviors should be called addiction. The reporters above point out that many do not consider sex addiction a real psychiatric disorder because it does not exist in the current verision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). But the DSM is a socially-constructed diagnostic guide that is in the process of completely revamping the section dedicated to the diagnosis of addiction. Turns out we got it wrong for the past couple of decades! In my opinion, debates about whether people can be “addicted” to be specific objects (porn, food, internet, cell phone use) get us nowhere. For years therapists have treated patients with significant problems related to all these things, which usually come in packages of behavior. Our focus should be on understanding addiction as a relationship problem, not an object-specific problem.
- How should we understand Tiger’s behavior? If addiction is about relationships, then we see that his pursuit of women has been about something other than just sex. Any therapist in the country who has spent time dedicated to the topic of sex addiction (Patrick Carnes, Jennifer Schneider, Robert Weiss) will say that sex addiction is not about sex. It is about intimacy and emotional connection, or the lack thereof. As humans we are wired for relationships, but adverse childhood events (and trauma throughout life) lead to the avoidance of emotional experiences necessary for healthy emotional development. The result is a person like Tiger becomes an adult doing his best to negotiate the complexities of adult relationships with the emotional/relationship/intimacy skills of a child. No wonder he looks like a deer caught in headlights at news conferences.
- As a person neglects their internal emotional world, very often the emotional energy (which has to go somewhere) gets displaced into academic mental activities or sports. It is not coincidental that many who suffer from addiction and untreated trauma are professional athletes or have professional careers requiring brain power and academic credentials. A number of news commentators have pointed out that when Tiger came on the pro scene at age 19 his life never was the same. I would add that prior to the age of 19 his life was very different from other kids, how else was he able to go pro at 19? I am not an expert on Tiger Woods and have no knowledge of the events in Tiger’s early life that influenced his present behavior. And in truth, I don’t care, they are not my business. Each person’s past is their own.
- We need to realize that we (even those who work in the media and are taking shots at him) are not so different from Tiger. On some level, we all struggle with past traumas, maintaining intimate relationships, sex, and developmental constrictions. And at times we all have engaged in excessive behaviors that help us disconnect from the world and our emotional pain (like even watching a bit too much professional sports). Sure, we may not have millions in the bank, be the world’s greatest golfer, or have the ability to act out in the ways he has, but just like Tiger, we all have our own life challenges. The real question is whether we are deepening our awareness of our shadow side, and doing the work necessary to own it, integrate it, and evolve our own mental/emotional health.
One final thing. Understanding why Tiger did what he did is very different then letting him off the hook. Let me be clear, I am not attempting to justify his behavior or say his acting out was not his fault. He needs to take responsibility for what he has done, and realize how his actions have hurt a lot of people. But we in society are so quick to judge others, and in a sick way relish watching those on top take big plunges. Instead of buying into the soundbite entertainment value of Tiger’s pain, we could benefit a lot more by exploring how his fall is a mirror for aspects of our own life.






There are many things I struggle to manage in my life, including time, food (or more correctly my weight), exercise and making sure my dog gets her heart medicine every eight hours. I have other vices as well, but what links all of these things together is that they are ongoing issues that come and go in my life. At times I eat healthy, exercise regularly, and use my time well. Yet at other times I find myself scarfing down junk food, skipping workouts all together, and feeling like a mouse on a never-ending treadmill.
Awareness: You cannot manage anything if you are not aware of it and how it plays out in your life. Awareness is not so easy these days because we are bombarded from every side with people vying for our attention. But you must increase your awareness of the behavior you wish to change if you have any chance of success. How do we do this? (1) utilize reminder messages on your computer, phone, on sticky notes, put them on electronic calendars that email you reminders, set alarms to go off at critical times, (2) talk with someone about the behavior on a regular basis and process your progress – could be a therapist, friend, pastor, mentor, coach, spouse – who does not really matter so much as just having an ongoing connection and doing it, (3) utilize a form of meditative practice to help clear away psychic junk and make more room to help you stay aware of what is truly important to you, and (4) set-up your environment in such a way as to increase awareness: find new routes to work that avoid high-triggery places, get rid of the extra refrigerator in the garage where you store beer, add things that you want to focus on instead of the addiction like an easel for painting, a musical instrument, or perhaps a pet if you don’t have one.
Statistics. For many statistics is a foreign language, existing in a country you never want to visit. But in truth, we live statistics every day of our life. We read sports statistics, check weather reports, listen to stock updates, and hear percentages thrown around in the news. Statistics is the science of making effective use of data, and in the case of managing behavior, there are many things that can be helpful to track over time: days abstinent, relapses, weight, money lost, time spent on particular activities, etc. We track things because of our limited ability to keep a lot of this in our head, to remember the specifics. Keeping a record of progress provides a clear indication of how well we are staying on the road. It provides us feedback that is critical to successful change. Our tracking methods can be as simple as keeping a tally on a notepad, or creating more elaborate outcomes on spreadsheets. I have seen a number of those struggling with addiction get very caught up in statistics, particular days abstinent, where
Social Support: You’re aware of what you want to manage, you put a program in place that is simple, easy to stick with, and does not change too much too fast, and you begin to track your progress. The final key and perhaps the most important is understanding that managing any behavior change we make is embedded within the social systems in which we exist: family, school, work, clubs, self-help groups, church, sports, neighborhoods. We are social creatures by nature and influenced greatly be those around us. Successful change requires taking stock of our social connections, both those that support our change and are positive, and those that clearly contribute to perpetuating problems we wish to stop. I have said many times that
So what to do? We need to be smart about how we go about making changes, in our life, and in organizations. We need to be aware that change is a process, often with many underlying factors that can influence outcomes. And we need to recognize what science tells us about change. This includes understanding the limitations of the widely adopted 
immediately began to wonder how these two people with drastically different levels of intellect could remain married for over a dozen years. Upon further reflection, I realized that intellect is not the glue that attracts or holds people together, it’s their
degree to which brain functioning is still imparied 100 days post last use! We see similar profiles for other drugs of abuse including alcohol, and behavioral addictions. Because neuropsych testing can provide a window into brain functioning, we can use such testing to help us understand how long it takes for the brain to heal to a point at which it is capable of learning, processing, and remembering new information – information such as how to manage addiction over time. Researchers are now doing a battery of neuropsych tests on patients following detox to determine optimal times to begin treatment. What is clear, is that our current system is set-up to have a person who has completed detoxification immediately enter a residential program. About 1-2 months later – about the time they are being discharged from treatment – is really the time when their brain is ready to benefit from treatment. I find it sad that significant sums of money are invested in residential programs when science is helping us understand that for treatment to be beneficial a person must not only detox, but also wait a month or two (or even longer, depending on the drug and time used) before engaging in any significant treatment. This of course brings us the messy question of what should a person do between detox and treatment? I welcome your suggestions…
time I realized my outcomes were very poor. Many dropped out of treatment, others continued but were incapable of remembering what they had learned or how to apply it to their life. Relapse rates were significant. Then I discovered our medical psychology department at the hospital and began refering addicted TBI patients for neuropsychological exams. The reports I got back were invaluable in helping me completely restructure treatment. Like children, the trick was understanding what they could comprehend and how best to teach them what they needed to learn. I got a blackboard for my office and begin drawing pictures to represent ideas I wanted to get across. I went slow, paid attention to patients different learning styles, and adapted my treatment approach to the diverse ways in which their brain processed information. And as you might suspect, my outcomes improved. Utilizing the knowledge from neuropsych assessments, I believe, can make all the difference in the world when working with patients with TBI.
How to deal with addiction is one of these “basic truths.” Although mankind has behaved in excessive ways for centuries, only in the past couple-hundred years has society evolved the idea of excessive behavior being called “addiction” and requiring intervention. And, only in the past 5 to 10 years has society been ready to accept the basic truth that addictions are problems that we manage over long periods of time,